It seems that the answer is “No, you don’t have to sacrifice your wounded heart and potential future happiness in a situation when your ex-partner you love can’t provide you with their affection, care and respect”. It can be seen in many Google searches: people who feel like their heart is broken try to figure out how to stop loving someone and finally get over them. People try to save their pride and self-respect by ending the unhealthy relationship and obsession they have. Some people want to forget about their ex-partners while others want to get over people who don't reciprocate and simply don’t feel the same way. In both situations, people want to understand how to get over someone you still love and start a new page of their lives.
How do you stop loving someone who is still important and has become an essential part of you? It’s obvious that there are no easy answers or methods to achieve that, but there are still some things you can try to make it much easier for you to get over the feelings which you don’t want to have.
Why it is that hard to stop to love a person
Even though sometimes it feels that our feelings come out of nowhere and there are no reasons for them to appear, there are often some patterns which make it harder for us to change our mood and attitude. If we think that our love is something we can’t control, we make it almost impossible to get rid of emotions making us feel bad and miserable: we unknowingly sabotage ourselves and make the process even more painful and disappointing. At the same time, when we try to analyse what we feel and where it comes from, we can control our emotions and overcome them.
You might think that your ex-partner was “the only One” for you.
There are lots of different situations in people’s lives which might require different approaches to solve and analyze them. At the same time, lots of people have the same troubles and logical traps which make it even worse and more difficult to get rid of. People are unique in details, but also they are very alike in general mistakes they make. There are some things you should remember about which can stop you from forgetting someone you love:
- People love the image of a person or idealize their relationships. That seems like something obvious, but it happens all the time: we have an ideal image of our partners we have created in our heads and can’t see that the real person is far from our imaginary perfect version of them. If you see your ex as super smart, discerning, understanding and attractive when there were lots of situations which proved that it’s far from reality, then you might have a real problem with romanticizing a person who brings you pain. The same goes with relationships: if you remember everything in bright colours and see it through heart-shaped glasses - then you should remind yourself what were the problems which led to the end of your "perfect" relationship. A little bit of criticism can sometimes bring you back to life;
- You might think that your ex-partner was “the only One” for you. This type of fixation is also very common in situations when the beginning of the relationship seems great or when a person has little dating experience and can’t compare the relationship they had with new potential relationships they will have later. If you think the person you can’t get over was the only one for you, then think twice about the reason which led to the end. This type of thinking also appears at a pretty young age when a teenager has their first unrequited love and can’t believe they will feel anything stronger and bigger they feel now. Combine the issue with the previous one and you can see the biggest problem of many people who can’t get someone out of their heads;
- Sometimes people have partners who give them all their attention but then disappear for a while and completely ignore their needs and feelings. Also, there are couples who break up and reunite again and again: as you might understand, it’s extremely difficult to break the endless cycle and be free again. These roller coaster relationships make people tolerate their partner’s bad sides and rude or irresponsible actions: people think that there will be the time when they come back and everything will finally be great. Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen: even though some people think that it’s their fate which makes them reunite again, the truth is they have some unclosed gestalts they need to discuss. If there are problems which make it difficult for you to have stable and healthy relationships, then they won’t go away: you need to work hard and solve them or let it go;
- It’s okay to understand your flaws and be responsible for the mistakes you make, but if you feel that everything is exclusively your fault, then you are probably wrong. Both partners should take responsibility for what happens to their relationship and it’s hard to find any examples when one partner is a saint while the other is absolutely guilty. Don’t blame yourself for everything: if you know you’ve done something wrong, then you can analyze your actions and never make the same mistakes again. But in most situations we act the way we think is right - and even though our opinion might change, that’s not a reason to live with guilt all the time;
- You’re just not ready for the new relationship yet. People sometimes become bitter and pessimistic because they let their past define their future: they try to delegate their ex-partner’s fault to new potential partners and feel like there is no one who can love them the way they deserve. This mindset locks a person in misery and it’s very difficult for people to break their shield and let someone get closer to their hearts. Unfortunately, sometimes being miserable is our own choice and we need to learn to let our wounds heal.
If you think you have some of these symptoms, then it’s up to you to try hard and overcome them. Understanding the problem is the first step towards the solution, so if you really want to get over someone you love, then you need to act. But what can you do?
Tips on getting over someone you love
Feeling of love is often bothering instead of being pleasant. If you understand that you need to change your mindset and forget a person you love, then you need to work with your thoughts and motives. You need to find a balance between trying to forbid all the thoughts about the person you love and thinking about them all the time. It might take a lot of time, but if you succeed then the problem of having feelings you don’t need to have will go away.
After a breakup many people can feel lots of negative emotions: they are angry, bitter, furious, devastated and think about revenge. In fact, even keeping all these negative emotions can sometimes play against us: even though we think lots of bad things about our ex-partners, we still think about them and can’t forget them. Every person who wants to start a new page of their life should think about themselves and their well-being: only by analyzing and thinking over things we can move forward and make our lives happy again.
There are lots of things people do to divert their minds from people they love and used to be with. In most cases it’s extremely close to self-care: you need to think about how to help the feelings relax and heal. There are a few things you might try to get distracted and enjoy life again:
- Don’t rush things. People often say that time is an excellent healer, but it doesn’t mean that you can expect your wounds to disappear too quickly. You can’t get over your feelings in short terms: don’t try to fool yourself and pretend that you don’t feel the way you do. Weeks, months or even years - let yourself heal properly or you might come back to the very beginning. It’s live a virus: if you’re not completely recovered, you have high chances to become ill again;
- Even though too much negativity can make you think about that person too often, it doesn’t mean that you have to avoid all the negativity and painful feelings. It’s a part of human nature and it’s completely normal to feel grief, disappointment, loneliness, anger and blame in that situation. You’re not a robot and you don’t have to hide your real emotions: suppressed feelings can create an explosion and break you in any moment, so let yourself cry or be alone if you need it. Avoid false hope and denial - the faster you understand and accept the reality, the easier it will be for you to move on and get a person out of your head;
- Delete their number and remove the person from your social media. It might be very addictive to monitor their accounts and their lives again and again, but this type of behaviour only makes your fixation stronger, so try to avoid everything that reminds you about them. Having their number in your phone memory gives you a false hope they’ll call you and their media will only make you upset, so if you really want to get over it - distance yourself from memory-provoking things;
- Try writing down all the things you feel at the moment. It might seem childish and silly, but it actually works - many people use journaling to cope with stress, negativity and pain they feel. Describe your emotions and write what you think and feel - our thoughts are usually much faster than our hands, so writing helps to slow down the stream of our emotions and it’s much easier to relax and feel better. Just like the breathing techniques help us to overcome stress, writing helps us to overcome our misery, so use it;
- Lots of people become slow and inactive after breakups: they can binge-watch serials, they eat buckets of ice-cream and lots of chocolate, some people drink and refuse to leave their houses even to see their close friends. It’s a passive and non-effective way to fight sadness and despair: people turn their energy into positive things like their hobbies and things which require creativity and help them to express their feelings. If you have hobbies or want to start something new, then it’s time to act;
- Remember that you’re not alone - there are friends and relatives who are on your side and worry about you. Let them communicate with you: in the very beginning you might want only to be alone, but later your need to communicate with other people might make the situation even worse. You don’t have to punish yourself, you don’t need to follow all the romantic movie cliches about how “a real misery” should look like. Distract yourself and find happiness in routine and let people around help you;
- This person is not the only one for you. Even though everyone in that situation would feel like the reason to live is gone, it’s false: remember that the perfect partner would never let you feel that way, so you just need to find your significant other and admit that your ex wasn’t perfect. There are millions of amazing people in the world, but you can miss them while being concentrated only on your past;
- Laugh. It might seem ridiculous, but laughter can actually help you to break the silence and start living again. It’s like when your friend makes you laugh through the tears: when suppressed emotions need to find a way out it’s great to laugh and let it go even if it’s extremely hard even to smile. Also, the desacralization of your ex might help a lot: remember all the ridiculous situations and you’ll feel that it’s much easier to cope with anything with humour. You don’t have to be too bitter about your ex and describe them the way they are not - just forget the concept to remember only the best memories and let yourself feel relief.
What to remember about getting over people we love
We are all humans and we make mistakes - that’s the general thing you should remember in any moment of your life. It doesn’t mean you have to try your best to keep a dead relationship alive - you should only learn your lessons and move on. Every breakup is difficult unless another person has already won your heart: being with someone requires compromises and efforts, but if everything is over then you have to admit the truth and continue your way on your own until you find a new amazing person to be with. Remember that there are other relationships you can pay your attention to: visit your friends, spend your free time with your family, travel and explore new things around you. Think over all the things you can do now when you’re single: enjoy every moment of your life and one day you’ll understand that your ex-partner is left behind many days ago.After a breakup many people can feel lots of negative emotions: they are angry, bitter, furious, devastated and think about revenge.
Sometimes when something goes wrong we’re not objective enough to see what’s happening with our life. Meet a close person and ask their honest opinion about your ex-relationship. You might be surprised to understand that the others were aware of what’s happening much earlier than you but didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Admit that people around you wish you better, so let them advise and tell their opinions when you’re ready for them. Emotionally intelligent, reliable and caring people around you can offer you their helping hand, so don’t be too independent to use it: communicate, socialize and live your life to the fullest.
Remember that relationships are valuable and important only if they make you happy. Whether you want to be single or meet someone new, it’s only your life and your choice. Try living for yourself and you might understand that there are lots of amazing things you didn’t have in your life for a long time. Love yourself and do what makes you happy and your perfect new partner will definitely notice you because of your smile.